i haven't worked out how personal i'm going to get here. like, no one who matters is going to read this. i've only shown this blog to ven* and i'm positive they've already forgotten about it. so maybe this is where i'll try airing out some nonsense and see how i feel about it after.
ok, so like. i'm depressed? haha.
like 80% of the internet, i'm saur fucking depressed. i started out the year depressed, but it was manageable. i did some stuff. i cobbled together this little blog, made tentative plans for myself. and then i stopped being able to manage quite so well. i'm still functional. i'm able to get up and go to work and feed my pets and wash dishes, but that's all i am. just doing the bare minimum to keep my little world spinning. i am the depressed vending machine, my light is broken but i still work.
actually, my depression has two primary modes that i have identified: mode one is the zombie mode where i'm just functional and hollow inside and everything is exhausting. mode two is a hair-trigger anger at everyone and everything, including myself. it tends to involve a lot of crying and self-loathing. i've been doing more of the latter in recent days, and i'm kind of at my fucking limit.
it will pass. it always passes, one way or another. but in the meantime, nothing feels good and i don't want to do anything but lie down and rot.
*love u ven